| Blah. |
[11 Feb 2007|12:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
Another stupid survey. Cassidy's being mean tonight, so I figured I'd do this now to make myself tired, and then force her to do it tomorrow. :P
( 60 Q )
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| I might as well do it too... |
[09 Feb 2007|03:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
Because Cassidy threatened to 'punish' me if I didn't take this stupid little survey too... :P
1. How old will you be in five years?
28. ... shit, am I that old already? That's scarily close to 30.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
My Cassidy. Heheh. And it was a lot more than just two hours. ;)
3. How tall are you?
5'11? Iunno, everytime I look at my med record, it seems to change.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Sex with Cassidy. Iunno. Maybe I should plan a trip for the two of us...?
5. What's the last movie you saw?
There was something action/adventurish on early yesterday evening, but I gotta admit, I was only half-payin' attention, so I didn't really catch mucha it...
6. Who was the last person you called?
Johnathan... somehow, he found out my instant messenger name and harrassed me until I called him.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Nurse Joy called to make sure I was up n' movin' around.
8. What was the last text message you received?
"Butchie-buddy... come online...? ;_;" e_e;
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
I'm seeing a pattern here...
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Neither. I'd rather meet up in person n' talk.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Cassidy. I guess that would be WHO I was doing though, haha... I'm so crude.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
My parents were never married- Grandma said they didn't believe in marriage. Heh. They've been gone for some time now, but they're buried together.
13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
When I was two, I guess.
14. What color are your eyes?
Brown
16. What are you wearing right now?
An old, broken-in pair of uniform pants and a white undershirt. *shrugs* Cass n' I both look like fashion victims today, heh.
17. What is your favorite christmas song?
I don't even know enough of them to have a favorite.
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Near the ocean... with Cassidy, of course. (:
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
The Johto HQ. @_x;
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Cassidy answers that she wants to be in my pants, and then forces me to take this survey? What the fuck...?! Once I'm through, I am going to wreck that girl... heh. >:)
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
As long as I'm with Cassidy, it doesn't really matter to me where the hell I am.
22. Do you tan or burn?
Tan, heh.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I wasn't really sure WHAT I was afraid of getting me, but I was always afraid of dying. Death was a pretty big theme of my childhood, after all. :P
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
I watched a grunt fall down the cafeteria stairs this morning. HAH, it still makes me smirk.
25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
1
26. How big is your bed?
Big enough to have fun in, haha.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Laptop
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Lately, its been without, hahaaaa.
29. What color are your sheets?
Red... yeah, lol, Cassidy, what the hell, half of my answers are the same as yours. What was the point of making me take this?
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I sleep with a Cassidy. That's all I really notice, heh.
31. What is your favorite season?
Summer.
32. What do you like about fall?
Bit of relief from the heat, I guess.
33. What do you like about winter?
I... don't. >>
34. What do you like about the summer?
The heat and the fact that it's warm enough to head down to the beach.
35. What do you like about spring?
The fact that everything seems to liven up again, I guess.
36. How many states have you lived in?
... what's a state? o.O
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Same as Cass- Fuschia (though I lived on the poor side'a it) and Viridian
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Bare feet. Cassidy's, specifically. I like playin' with her toes, heh, because she's ticklish and she laughs.
40. What was the last thing you ate?
I had a couple of pieces of jerky before I sat down to do this thing.
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
In the city, there's a BBQ restaurant that I LOVE. "The Tauros Ranch"
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
I don't really have a favorite... it ALL tastes pretty damn good to me, heh.
43. What is your favorite dessert?
When I was little, my Grandma used to give me money to run up to the store and buy myself a Pecha berry popsicle. It was always special to me... I guess it kinda stuck, haha, now I want one real bad.
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Uh... I'm not THAT big a fan of soup, but I have had to eat it a lot in the past. Potato, I guess. *shrugs*
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Blech, I want meat on my sandwiches.
47. Do you like coffee?
Fuck yeah. I try not to drink it while Cass is awake though; I know she's jealous, heh. XD;
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
I don't even keep count.
49. What do you drink in the morning?
Coffee... but I step out of the room to do it, heh.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
The left
52. Do you know how to play poker?
Hell yeah; and I'm pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. ;D
53. Do you like to cuddle?
Hell yeah, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Snugglin' my Cass gets me through the night.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
I've heard of it before (haha you two haven't), but I've never been.
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
... Yes. Yes I do. Haha.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
*dies* Haha, I could reply with something so dirty here, but instead, I'll go ahead and say I eat at home, yeah.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
One of the kids I used to hang out with actually had the same birthday, but these days, no.
59. Do you want kids?
Yeah, heh. I'm still holdin' out for a boy one day... but Cass probably won't want anymore kids after this one.. heh, that's okay. I'll still love her.
60. Do you speak any other languages?
Apparently, when I'm drunk...
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Yeah, a couple of times. I was a rough tumblin' kiddo. I have some wicked scars left over, heh!
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
I got beat up real bad once when I was younger, and apparently somebody called an ambulance on me. I don't remember it, though.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Haha, after reading Cassidy's answer, this is so haarrrd. I'm just gonna go ahead and say they both have their perks. ;P
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Window.
65. Do you know how to drive stick?
Yeah, gotta know how to drive it for some of the off road jeeps the team has.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
It used to be cigarettes, but now... I guess my answer would be Cassidy, heh. I love watching her face light up... and *ahem* I also love to be rewarded. ;P
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
Haha, no.
68. What is your favorite TV show?
Honestly, I'm not that big'a TV fan.
69. Can you roll your tongue?
Haha, more dirty thoughts. Yeah.
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
Shit, Cass, you're so mean to me! :P Anywho, Cass can be funny when she wants, heh.
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I sleep with a Cassidy. X)
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
I'm not telling, haha.
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Ooh, no. I hardly had clothes when I WAS little. :P
74. What red object is closest to you right now?
Sheets, yuh.
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Wow, all three of us let the water run.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I HAVE no closet doors... yeah.
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
What about stabbed by a Rocket grunt? LOL, no thanks, I'm done with pain for a while. Well... bad pain, anyway. ;P
78. Who do you like?
Aw. I love you too, Cassi. <3
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Good ol' fashioned ketchup.
80. What is your favorite food?
Ribs from the Tauros Ranch, hell yeah. Man I wish we could afford some right now...
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yeah. Woohoo, getting somewhere in life, aren't I?
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
LOL, I gotta go with Cass on this- they'd have to CATCH me first.
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
*headdesk* Yes.
84. What is your usual bedtime?
Whatever time Cass and I stop having sex. Pretty early in the morning. I'm kinda insomniatic.
85. What was the last book you read?
Somethin' about newer Pokemon discoveries. It was a while ago.
86. Do you read the newspaper?
Occasionally. It's easier to watch the damn news, though.
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Yeah, three for three on the Team Rocket magazine.
89. Do you watch soap operas?
LOL, that'd be pretty damn funny, wouldn't it?
90. Do you dance in the car?
Whatever Cassidy, you do too! As for me, nah.
91. What radio station did you last listen to?
The radio is overrated.
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
Aw, Cass. <3 Yeah, no picture frames. Cass is in my wallet, though, heh.
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
If I told you, then I'd have to kill you.
95. What is your favorite board game?
You honestly think I've ever had time for somethin' like that...?
97. When was the last time you attended church?
Haha.
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
I didn't go to highschool. :P
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
Tch, try campin' on the street for like... your life.
100. Who was the last person to give you butterflies?
Cass, hah. Speakin' of Cass... it's time to go get my payback. >:)
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| Heh. |
[12 Jan 2007|08:26am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
Well, I'll tell you one thing. Being stuck here in the med wing is no fun. I'm getting fucking sick of it, quite frankly. Same four walls... beeping heart monitor. Medication... Not my idea of a good time. Poor Cassidy has been trying to keep me company as best as she can, but she can only do so much. The past couple of days, she's kinda been duckin' in and out. I can tell she's restless. Uh, being the one stuck here in the bed, I can definitely sympathize. It's bad enough when we're stuck in the BUILDING for a few days, let alone in one ROOM. By the way, there are 36 tiles in the ceiling.
Hmhm. Y'know, I spent a night or two without her (sleeping together in this bed is just rough), because I insisted that she go back to the room and sleep like a normal person... But last night, we stayed up pretty late just talkin'... Iunno what led to what, but this morning, I woke up with her head on my chest. It was... cute. I woke her up a few minutes ago just enough to pull her into bed with me, and now she's curled up slightly, down near my feet with my extra blanket pulled up to her shoulders. She won't even remember that I woke her, heh... I remember our conversation last night. She kept sayin' she really wanted to be with me, but I kept sayin' that I'd be alright- she'd be better off back upstairs in the bed where she'd be comfortable. But she kept on insisting that she was stayin' with me. I told her I wasn't gonna fall asleep til she left, then, and she said that she'd stay up all night if she had to.
It definitely wasn't all night. :P We musta fell out at the exact same time, heh. All I know is that... she just looks like a complete angel when she sleeps. Hell, she is an angel... MY angel. She saved me. Not just this one time, but in so many other ways. She causes me to think in ways I've never thought before. I'm a pretty selfish bastard, but becausa her, I know that I'm not all the time... because I just can't help but do everything I can for her. I love her so much... Augh, and that is so illegal in this team... But I don't think I could care less. She means everything to me. That's my entire world down at my feet right now.
I think I'm going to put the laptop up now. It's so rare that I get to watch over her while she's asleep in the morning, so I think I may take advantage of this for as long as possible. ... or, y'know, til I fall asleep. Whichever.
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| Shit... |
[08 Jan 2007|01:54am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
] |
Well, it's 2AM. And I feel like I was run over by a truck. ... then backed over... and run over again... ten times.
But then again, I'm so doped up on pain medicine that I can't say I really care... Oddly enough, the thing on me that hurts the most is my head right now. It probably doesn't help that I'm staring at a laptop screen in the middle of a pitch black med. wing room... and that I'm drowsy. Even so, my head is swimming... so I thought I'd update- the nurse came in a few minutes ago to give me another shot of medicine, so that's the only reason I'm awake... otherwise, I'd be out cold...
Cassidy felt her baby move last night. It was actually pretty amazing, but it upset her really bad. So I just hugged her all night to try and help her feel better. Both of us eventually nodded off, and all was going well...
... At least, til some dumbass grunt somehow made his way inside the room and fucking tried to stab her. There we are, half awake, running left and right tryin' to get outta the way. Cass is fuckin' hysterical, he's derranged, and there's only one thing on my mind- what if he gets her? Somebody was gonna die... and it wasn't gonna be my Cassidy, I was damn sure of that. I leapt on toppa him to try n' choke him, but he reached back and stabbed the shit outta me. Twice. Once in the side, once in the leg.
It stung worse than death. I was bleedin' everywhere, and I tried to stop him, but I fell... It was just this cold seering pain. I started to shake as everything went numb and icy. I just knew I was gonna die... but it fuckin' killed me, because it was just her against him at that point... I fuckin' failed again. I mean, what? My job now... is to protect Cassidy. It's what my heart's been tellin' me, and it's what's keepin' me from havin' to leave her and work field missions. But I can't even fucking do the one thing I'm most dedicated to. I can't protect the one woman that means more to me than anything else in the world...
I just nearly deserved to die for bein' so useless. Anyway, I blacked out. And then I came to... in a hospital bed. I was so fuckin' confused. I thought I had died... I thought I was gonna be forced to leave her forever... My half-dead dreams caused me pain a thousand times worse than that grunt's knife. I woke up to her head laying beside mine on the pillow. She was sittin' on a stool next to my bed, waitin' for me to come to. When I did... she cried. And I could tell... that she had definitely been cryin' for a long while before that.
I don't think I've ever been more happy... more thankful to be alive. Y'know, before alla this... I thought that bein' alive was just a right we were all granted. But y'know... it's a privelage. My entire life is a privelage. I mean really, how'd I make it this far anyway? I should be dead, by all means, a thousand times over. It's fuckin' amazing how many times I've cheated death. I used to say... that I had forever to live. But this kinda stuff... really puts things into perspective. I may be young, but that don't mean I'm gonna die old. Especially not in Team Rocket.
Every day, for the rest of my life... I'm gonna tell her that I love her every single damn day. No matter where we are- even if we're halfway across the world from each other, I WILL tell her. Nothing is keepin' me from Cassidy while I'm still around, and when I DO eventually die, I want there to be NO question in her mind of the kinda devotion I have to her... to us.
Earlier, the two of us were awake and talkin'. She went in for a check up while I was passed out asleep, and she found out... that she's gonna be havin' a little girl. I'm so excited for her. I'm SO glad it's a girl, because that just means... that this baby is going to end up as precious as she is. Cassidy is so cute to talk to about it, too... She tries to hide it so bad, but I honestly think... that she's warming up to her baby girl. By the time she has her... She's gonna love her. She may tell me I'm fulla crap now, but I just know it.
Ahhh, I'm yawning a shitload. It took a pathetically long time to write alla that. I'm in bad shape, let's just leave it at that. I think I'll fall asleep. Cassidy's here with me, heh. She refused to go back to the room without me... so she's lying in bed with me. It's a bit of a tight fit in this little hospital bed (especially since we've both gotten used to the one back in the room), but I gotta say... I'm glad she's here.
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| Wow. |
[26 Dec 2006|12:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
I... I can't believe this! It's absolutely incredible.
I did it, finally. Things were going so right yesterday... I just... told her I loved her. There was no big scene about it, it was nothing earth shattering, and I definitely didn't regret it. I came right out and said it. And you know...? She said it too. She loves me. I can't believe it. I've been sittin' on this for MONTHS, and I didn't know if I'd ever get to say it after those three weeks we spent apart, but we ended up back in each others' lives again. And I just couldn't play pretend anymore. Fuck caution, because I threw it to the wind... And becausa that... I had the best Christmas I coulda ever hoped for.
Heh. When we were in Mandarin Island, I snuck behind her back and bought her an Umbreon plush- that was her material Christmas gift from me. I still think it's funny that we're connected by that Pokemon like we are. Botha us had undeniable linked pasts by that thing. So I just had ta buy it. I wish I coulda bought her more, but on our salary plus the fact that I was spendin' my free cash on food n' such in Mandarin made it extremely hard to buy her somethin' bigger. But it was alright, because she seemed to really like it, from what I can tell.
From her... Heh, she has an interesting sensa humor, let me just say. A lil Mightyena costume. Boxers w/ an optional attachable tail, ears, and paw gloves/slippers? She made me put it all on the second I opened it. And after last night... I'm startin' to wonder whether or not this was more of a gift to me or herself. :P
Speakin' of last night... Incredible, to say the least. Breath takin', for sure. No details, because that's just crude, but let me just say... that she's mine at last, and I wouldn't trade her for nothin'. I love that girl... and I just hope she knows it now. Merry Christmas, kiddo. Thanks for everything.
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| Christmas is coming. |
[23 Dec 2006|08:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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warm |
] |
Well, its been a great week. One of the best I can even ever remember experiencing, really. DEFINITELY one of the best holiday seasons I've ever experienced... which really isn't saying much, coming from me, but still, I just thought I'd mention it.
Cass and I have spent the whole week relaxing. On Monday, we decided, on a complete whim, to put our bits of extra cash together for a trip to Mandarin Island. It wasn't a lavish and luxurious affair or anything, but that was just fine with us, because we're not that kinda people anyway. In fact, hah, we had to stow away on an ocean liner to get there. Coming AND going! And she only THOUGHT that our days of wrongdoing had ended. ;P Once a Rocket, always a Rocket, I say. I think that bit of sneakiness was half the fun to her, really. She's been really down about not bein' a 'real' member of Team Rocket anymore, so t'know that she could still sneak around and get away with illegal stuff meant a lot to her, I think. Hah, glad that my poor-ness could cause her some happiness, I guess. Never saw that commin'!
But anyway, aside from that, the trip was pretty great. When we got there, we decided to grab some chinese, which, lemme tell ya, is some of the best I've ever tasted. They weren't jokin' when they said that the folks in the Big Orange know how t'cook. After that, we busted a random hotel... Our trip was on a whim, like I said, so there was no time to make reservations (and like we'd actually get day-of reservations anyway- it's Christmas time!). So, thanks to my trusty laptop and Rocket spy programs, I was able to hack into the database, and we disguised ourselves as Mr. and Mrs. Nelson from Celadon City. We got a pretty snazzy suite, and they never suspected a thing! It was great. ;P
The trip was completely unplanned. There were a few things we wanted to check out, but for the most part, we just walked around and checked out all of the nice Christmas things they had up n' goin'. It was nice. Iunno, Cass n' I are good at plannin' when it comes to missions and stuff, but not havin' to live by a schedule in such a big and exciting place was a pretty big treat. It was to me, at least. I hope she enjoyed it like I did.
We got home from that late Thursday evenin', so we came straight to the HQ, threw our stuff aside, and fell asleep. It was rainy and cold, and plus we had just spent the whole day travelin', so there wasn't mucha anything we wanted to do more. Since then, we haven't done much. Cass has been workin' out today (she had a huge cravin' for chocolate on the trip, so she was trying to work that and everything else we ate off, heh. Typical Cassidy). I nearly went with her, but I decided not to at the last minute. While she's been gone, I've been down in the city buyin' some last minute Christmas decorations. Nothin' much- a wreath, a string of lights, a bit of ribbon, and (my favorite idea) mistletoe. ;P I've already decorated the room with the lil bit I was able to afford- I know she really liked the decorations in Mandarin. We've never really decorated in the past, but by the way her eyes lit up at all of the bright lights and Christmassy stuff hangin' around, I just knew that it brought her back to when she was a lil girl. So I wanna be able to do that too... even if it IS only a small bit, and only for a couple'a days. :P So now that it's late tonight, I'm expectin' her back any minute. I got the mistletoe hangin' just inside the door, heh. She won't notice it when she first walks in, but I plan to show her the decorations... and then drag her over to inspect the wreath on the door very last. When she does, I'll point up and tell her she missed somethin'. Then while she's not lookin, I'll make my move. Heh.
... It's amazing how goofy that girl makes me act... Heh, ah well. I had a good week with her. I'm hopin' her holiday season is goin' good in her eyes. I know that I'm enjoyin' myself. Immensely. ;P
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| Heh... |
[16 Dec 2006|02:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
Life's been great. Cassidy has been cheerful, and that always reflects good on my mood. We've had to deal with Domino, and you know, even that hasn't been that bad. Which is crazy, because... well, when I found out that she had let Cassidy nearly drown, I called the boss's attention to it... and rather than fire her from taking care of Cassidy like we were HOPIN', he actually got rid of her desk job. Which REALLY pissed her off, because now she's not as close to Giovanni as she used to be. Oooh, she's been vicious. But Domino in hyper angry mode is almost... funny. At least, it is when Cass and I are back together, heh.
Things between us are better than ever before. I told her the other day that I couldn't wait to see her baby, because it's the truth. Heh, I never thought I'd find myself sayin' that, but really... Well, now that I've accepted this, I really do want to... help out with this kid, if she'll let me. I mean, I've told her before that I'd love to have kids someday. Apparently, someday just wanted to come a bit sooner than I'da liked. I mean, sure, this baby isn't gonna be mine... But I'd still like to help Cassidy out. I wanna be there to convince her that her bein' a mommy's gonna be a great thing for her. I want to make sure she has the easiest time possible with this pregnancy, and then takin' care of the kid once its born. I know that my three weeks away weren't the best for her, so I just want to make sure... that I make up for that any way I can. It was just completely wrong of me to ever leave her... and she definitely has my promise that I'll never leave her ever again.
Heh... promise. I just nearly forgot that I had made that promise to her. I can't believe I didn't realize what I was doin' to her. I definitely don't deserve to have her back... but then again, here we are... And I'm definitely not complainin'. I just want her to know how much she means to me, heh... I wanna be there for her more than anyone else. I wanna be the reason for her beautiful smile. Iunno, I can't explain it, and I probably sound like I'm fulla crap. I guess that's a sign that I should just sign the hell offa my stupid laptop and get back to sleep. I bet she's pretty cold by now... I guess I'll warm her up a bit, heh. That's a duty of mine I don't think I'll ever get tired of. ;P
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| Everything's right. |
[12 Dec 2006|02:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
I'm very... very happy to announce that things are right again.
For the first time in three weeks, I'm happy and myself again.
I'm so lucky that I decided to train in the natatorium today. After three weeks of never seeing her, she turned up there... I tried to avoid her at first... but then something HORRIBLE happened, and she nearly... drowned. I'm so glad I was around, because I would trust nobody but me... to rescue her. After I revived her, things were a little tense... but I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't gonna leave her again.
I just said everything that had been on my mind as of late... and before I knew it... we were... okay again.
I can't believe it. I'm back with Cassidy... Finally. That's all I've wanted. I'm happy again. I just can't even think straight.
We've moved my things into her new room. The old room is complete history- done, for good, and never again. Our bed... is a queen size. A real one- not just two singles pushed together. Tonight, after everything was said and done, I just went to bed holding her... and I kissed her right before she drifted off. I couldn't help myself. And she didn't mind it.
It's funny, because before this, I could have never seen her taking me back. Not after the way I walked out on her. But things today just felt so natural... It's like... we belong together. And she feels that way too. Because when I kissed her... she only smiled.
Call me crazy... but I think she's missed me almost as much as I've missed her. ... almost. Heheh.
Mm, what am I doing posting... its been so long since I've gotten to wrap my arms around her while I sleep. I'm outta here. She's like my security blanket... and I love it.
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| Hm... |
[10 Dec 2006|10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
Has it really been three weeks since I left...? I can't even tell anymore.
I feel kind of stupid these days. I feel like a sheep, working aimlessly towards nothing but the next day of living... and not dying. I feel like I'm going to ultimately be led to the slaughter house, so it's almost like I'm trying to ignore that... by pretending that tomorrow is gonna be better. Even though I already know its not. Without company, there's hardly anything to look forward to in Team Rocket.
And you know, it would figure that the only person that wants to show me any compassion anymore is... er, lets not go there.
Is there a point to any of this shit? I wonder what would happen if I tried to fade outta existence... if I DID fade outta existence. Heh, like anyone would think twice. I'm just not that important.
I guess it's true what they say, then- without at least one person, you're nothin'. I lost my one person.
... I can't help but think that it was incredibly stupid of me. But I could never admit that. And after three weeks away? I've just dug myself into the ground. I might as well pull the dirt over my head and forget all of this.
And it's a sad day... when BUTCH is emo. I'm supposed to be the laid back, happy guy. But when there's nobody around to be laid back and happy to protect the feelings OF... and when there's nobody to pull you out of your funks, even when they're rare... Well, there's just no point.
It's late, but I'm going to take a walk. Maybe if I dress light, the cold air will cool me off. I feel terrible...
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| ...? |
[02 Dec 2006|02:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
Okay, I apparently fell asleep without meaning to. Thank God I had set the hot chocolate I had brought back to the room on the nightstand.
So anyway, I was out for a couple of hours...
I had this completely fucked up dream. I was warm and cozy, and somehow I just KNEW... that I was Cassidy's kid. Still in the womb and everything. So I'm basically just... there, I guess. Anyway, I can hear her mutterin' about stuff, and it's really freakin' me out. Somethin' about puttin' herself outta her misery... Leavin' this baby business behind. Just ridding herself of all of it.
Next thing I know, she's talkin' about aborting... the baby. And I'M the baby in the dream, so she's tryin' to get rid of ME. I can't see anything that's goin' on, but I hear voices... And the sound of machines n' shit, and they're startin' to get real close...
I woke up in a cold sweat... Christ did that feel real. ... I hope she's not really up there somewhere thinkin' about gettin' rid of this kid of hers. That's definitely not fair to the kid. And you know, now that I've kinda seen it from its point of view, it's scary as shit. She'd better hold onto it... If I find out that she's aborted it, I'm gonna be extremely disappointed.
As if I'm not already.
The good news is the heat's back on. I guess I can at least go to sleep like a normal person now. Sounds good. No more reason for me to be on the laptop now that I've calmed down again...
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[01 Dec 2006|12:40am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
Today was absolutely fuckin' miserable.
I set out this morning with the intent of just havin' a day around the town of stealin' folks Pokemon. I figured, if nothing else, I could at LEAST get some dopy kid to be stupid enough to set his Pokemon down in the Pokemon center long enough for me to swipe it.
I'm a fuckin' dumbass. Viridian is one of the tightest Centers in the entire region- could you blame em? I mean, they don't really KNOW they're sitting right next to the HQ, but by the amount of agents they've busted in town in the past, ya know they're just sittin' there, waitin' to strike.
So of course, going in with a severe lack of plan was just plain stupid on my part. I had managed to nab two Pokeballs of a kid's, and was just about to descend for a second round (some big guy was bringin' in four pretty powerful Pokemon, from the way he was talkin' about em- had every badge but Earth, and had just lost in the gym) when some NOSY ol' grandma catches sight of me and squeals like a spoink on me. So I nabbed em in a hurry and split for the door- and what happens? The big lug catches me and nearly fuckin' BREAKS MY ARM to get his Pokemon back- CHRIST was this guy ever huge! He tries to keep a hold on me til the police come down, but I managed to slip away... and I ran off into the forest, where they eventually lost me. It apparently took em a while to figure out that I had taken the kid's Pokeballs, because I didn't hear sirens again til I was already halfway up the mountain. Course, by then, I had already discovered that the only thing in the Pokeballs were a beat up rattata and a baby caterpie, so I let em go.
Fuckin' useless.
Outside the HQ, before I went in, I decided to stop off for a smoke break. Yeah, I gave in and spent a bit of my extra cash on a pack of Camerupts. I was feelin' pretty crummy at the time, so I lit one and inhaled, expectin' it to give me my lil rush to keep me goin'... sept nothin' really happened. The sensation was just... gone, iunno. Empty. I smoked about half of it before I gave up and nubbed it out. It felt good to get inside anyway- it was fuckin' cold out today. Even when I wasn't smokin', I could see my breath.
To warm up, I headed across to the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee. Then I just spent the rest of the day up in the room, lazin' about, on the internet. Despite the coffee, I fell asleep around ten. ... Which is odd. But then again, now that I'm sittin' here freezin' my ass off, it occurs to me that the heat on this side of the buildin' may be off. I heard that in passing today on my way up to the room. It sure FEELS like it's off. Ugh, fuckin' perfect. I'll fall back asleep shiverin' to death, I'm sure.
( Private: Hidden from Cassidy )
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| ? |
[28 Nov 2006|11:12pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
] |
Well. That was fun.
So there I am, shaving, when someone knocks at the door. I'm standin' there thinkin' "Who in the hell would come to my door this time of night?"
How lucky for me. I answer the door, and there is Johnathan.
Thaaaat's right, kids. He followed me ALL THE WAY BACK to Kanto. What the fuck is this, a soap opera? Do people ENJOY watching me suffer? Whoever is in control of my fate is havin' a field day up there laughin' at me.
So he barges into my room (I'm half naked, bless my luck) and immediately starts talkin' to me. I'm basically just not hearin' any of it... til he mentions visiting Cassidy.
So of course, my ears open. I'm like "What about her?"
Haha, guess what? Guess who else gets to end up as a notch on Cassidy's bedpost?
Damnit it pisses me off, why couldn't I see that she was like that? Fuckin' geez, I thought -I- had an addictive personality... At least -I- was able to keep my promise, despite how much it fuckin' killed me to keep it.
I guess if the one thing you were fearin' by havin' relations in Team Rocket actually happens, though, there's no reason to keep a promise. Especially not to someone like me. God forbid anything in my life actually have meaning beyond "Here's a job; go do it."
Anyway, that's enough of that. No more feelin' sorry for myself. Cassidy's just a whore. And I'm just blind, I guess. That was kinda the last straw. It's definitely time to move on. If she's sleepin' with people like Johnathan (who uh, may I remind you, was tryin' to sleep with ME a few nights ago, uubbbubbbubbbbbuuhhh scary), there's really no hope for her. If I luck out enough to get a new partner one of these days, I'm not getting attached. It's staying business only, just like it always shoulda. Hands down.
I wonder if my brand of cigarettes have gone down in price any. Its been a while since I've looked em up...
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| What the... |
[25 Nov 2006|10:23am] |
Okay... I'm going to pretend that these last two days never happened. Nope nope nope, after this post, I am deleting them from my mind.
And if anyone, after today, ever DARES call me gay... guuuh.
So I was suckered into trying to become partners with a certain person a few days ago. I hadn't seen him in years, but he turned up at an opportune moment for himself, I guess, and talked me in to coming to visit him.
So, as soon as I get there, he's leading me off into secluded places... Freakin' me the hell out. And then he fucking KISSED ME. My GOD I was fuckin' mortified. I yelled at him, and he apologized at least a thousand times. Yeah, happy Thanksgiving Butch, have some gay lovin'.
But somehow I was nice enough to stay around. Just in case he was a respectable agent or whatever, y'know. I need a new partner and all... Just to get out of my rutt. That's why I decided to stay.
So we planned a heist for yesterday. I spent the entire night COMPLETELY awake because I had to stay in the same room... and I was scared outta my mind. Shit, wouldn't you be?
So I was fuckin' exhausted yesterday. We managed a bit of a mission- a simple Pokemon center raid. Pretty good catch there. We agreed to split the takings and turn em into the boss (well, BOSSES, actually, since he's a Johto-goer).
And what do I get for alla my effort? Another freak out. God, he fuckin' grabbed my ass. What a horny little gay bastard. But still, I stayed. Needed a place to stay for the night, and we had done a good job n' all.
Stupidest fuckin' thing I've ever done in my life. And why is that?
Because I literally woke up with... with...
Oh God, I don't even want to go there. Let's just say that since that moment in time, I've been travelin' back to Kanto. Yeah, I coulda stayed in a lounge in Johto for the night, but after THAT, I wanted to get as far away as POSSIBLE. Uuuugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I almost... wish that Cass n' I weren't on bad terms. I would love to go find her right about now and just kiss and hug her for an entire day. I need a few hundred heterosexual experiences to cover THAT up. Ugh. It's a shame that I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like that much...
Meh, and now I'm talking about her all nonchalant like there's nothing wrong between us. I am all KINDS of fucked up. I need to sleep for about five days. Maybe, by then, the memories of my thanksgiving week will be successfully repressed... Ugh.
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| ... |
[20 Nov 2006|02:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
I can't sleep. I can't eat. Nothing is making me happy. I feel empty. The only thing that is going to take my mind off of this void is to work, but it's torture if I put any effort into it. I almost have to be mindless about it. But if I'm mindless, then what is the point in a job if it's not a job well done?
I feel like screaming, pitchin' a fit, and just doing something really drastic, but I don't feel like I have a good enough reason to be feelin' that way. I definitely hate callin' attention to myself, but at the same time... I wish somebody'd tell me they appreciate me. I used to think there was at least one person in this world I could always count on to count on me, but fuck that now. I get the feelin' I don't matter to anyone. Nobody knows me. I'm only a due date, a person to disperse a (small) paycheck to, or another failure in the Rocket history books. Does anyone even care about the Butch beyond alla the shit to his name? Or is the shit to his name really all there is?
What's the fuckin' point of even livin'... There's nothin' left. I can't do this alone... can I?
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| Why me... |
[12 Nov 2006|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
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unimpressed |
] |
Okay okay, looking back on this now, it's kind of funny, but at the time, I almost couldn't believe it was happening, heh.
So a few hours ago, I see a post on Cassidy's journal. A post that is, for a lack of better words, completely fuckin' loopy. She's been drinkin'. Sooo... I go to retrieve her (save some of the more sober agents some grief, heh). She's hiding behind the bar, completely unauthorized... she made this weird hiss-screaming noise when I tried to grab her... It was the most amazing thing, lol. Seriously. So I reach in and grab her, and drag her out (had to sling her over my shoulder). She did NOT like that. The entire way up to the 4th floor, she's beating on my back and trying to bite me (luckily, her weird position didn't get her much of a hold on anything). Then she starts singing and yelling ridiculously loud.
Yeah. It was fun.
So I force her into the room and lock it behind me. And get this- I was able to convince her she was locked in, lol. That's like saying you're locked in a car. Thank God for lack of judgment while drunk.
Then again...
After pouting for a bit, she kinda... uh, decided she liked me again real fast. Lil more than like, actually... First she wanted me to hug her because she 'wasn't feeling well' (conniving even when drunk, eh). So I'm hugging her, trying to calm her down... and she climbs on top of me and pushes me into the mattress. The girl was on fucking top of me. She starts tryin' to make out with me, but I resisted because I knew she wouldn't be doin' any'a this sober, and I am NOT doin' anything meaningless. So then she's just kissin' at my neck and stuff... Next thing I know, she's gigglin' and sneaking her hands beneath my shirt.
"Com'mon, Butchie, don't you want me? Let's fool around..."
Yeah.
So, at this point (since we all know, both bein' male and respective of Cassidy at the same time, that I was like "YES!" and "No!" all at once), I grabbed her wrists, turned her over, and looked directly into her eyes (I kinda felt like I was dealin' with a dog, lol, sorry Cass)- told her no n' all. So then... bein' denied what she wants and also bein' kinda confused, she starts to CRY. Like, bawling.
So there I am, feelin' like I just abused the heck outta her. I fall to my side to try and comfort her and stuff, but she just keeps on sobbin' til eventually she makes herself so sick that she's like "... gonna throw up... *hic*" and I'm like "Awww fuck, not on the bed!" so I carry her to the bathroom.
Aaand she just misses the toilet... Eugh. Puke everywhere... so she gets it all out for the moment, and then kinda stumbles blindly back to the bed. I'm in the middle of grabbin' some make-shift cleaning supplies when I hear "Buuuuuutttccchhh...." commin' from the main room. I tell her I'll be there in a lil bit... So I clean up her puke real fast, throw the soiled towels in the shower/bath, and then (after changin' outta my clothes so I was just in my boxers and overshirt) crawl into bed, kinda weary at that point. She's asleep at this point, so I'm just relieved. I decided to check the net a bit to make sure things were gonna be alright- no mid-sleep repercussions or anything.
I think it's safe. I'm gonna shut off my laptop and lay down now. I think I'll roll her over and get on the other side of her tonight- if she needs ta puke again in the mornin', I don't wanna be holdin' her against the wall. Then it'll be all on me. Literally. No thanks.
So much for training tomorrow, heh... I can't believe she spent some of the money she just earned on booze. I thought we weren't gonna do that again for a long time... So much for that. Meh...
Alright, bed.
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| *sigh* |
[09 Nov 2006|02:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
Personal Reminder: Kick your addictive personality. Start acting like an adult. Team Rocket is no place to be fuckin' around... She's right. We've got to be serious. I just need to grow up and quit seeking immediate gratification. It's alright... I'll be okay. We'll get through this somehow.
( Private: Hidden from Cassidy )
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kosanji's journal
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